Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Reorganizing Thoughts!

And when will this ever end!?!?!?!...

I wanted to shut down this blog right after my return from Egypt, I thought it made no sense anymore to keep up updating it when I felt blocked inside. But, I guess I'll keep blogging some more, that way it will remind me of all the stuff I've done through these 3 years of blogging.

So I turned 28 yesterday, and for the first time in my life I feel I have achieved something, of course not economically because I still don't have a grave to die in but emotionally I think I'm doing puurrrfect.

At least, I feel the pressure off my chest and now I'm rearranging my thoughts now that I have closed the circle, strange thing, although I went through some though moments when I was in Egypt I don't regret spending the time and the money, on the contrary I feel it was a good investment for my well being. Do I feel angry? Yes, very much, I guess is better to feel anger than to feel sorrow, still, anger is bad for the health so I must work on this to get it over with, besides, Egypt guy is not worth it.

Putting into balance my relationship of almost 5 years with Ali although he hasn't been the greatest man in the world and sure he doesn't want to go further with the relationship I think it hasn't been so bad, or at least, it hasn't been as tormentous as the internet relationship I had with Egypt guy for 2 years before I decided he should take a hike.

Even after I came back two weeks ago, I just heard from Egypt guy, but he wasn't happy, I had taken a picture of me and Ali a few days before and I post it on my display on the messenger, Egypt guy saw it and just blew up like an atomic bomb. Did he at least said happy birthday to me? Of course he didn't but I don't care anymore.

Why am I still keeping in touch with this man after all he did? Well it's quite simple, I have entered a game, just to see where this will all end, he hasn't blocked me and I'm just waiting for that moment to come, or maybe he wants me to block him but that will never happen, I must see where this thing between me and him ends. Probably with a big fight, probably with a truce; from my end I would like to end it with a nice friendship, afterall, still he keeps a special place in my heart that no one will ever replace.

One thing I realized and I'm really impressed with what I found. I missed Ali so much while he was away, when I knew he wasn't coming the day he said he would (he messed up the arrival dates) I felt completely broken and I really thought he wasn't going to come back and I had no way to reach any of his family members to check if he was alright because I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, I was worried sick and I had no other choice but to wait. Finally he came back, and I cried.

WTF why did I have to cry when Ali came back if I don't love him, and why didn't I cry when I left Egypt guy, the man "I love".

Does this mean I love the man I think I don't love?

I guess only time will tell.

So, what are the achievements since May 29 2006 to May 29 2007?

1 - I traveled more than I thought I could

2 - I did a liposuction and lost 2 dress sizes (sweet dream come true)

3 - I developed a gift I thought I would never have

4 - I went to Egypt to find the truth about my feelings, myself, and to open my eyes and to realize not all that I see, is what I think I want.

5 -And most important I realized my happiness was inside of me all the time and not hundreds of thousands of miles away.

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

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