Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Reorganizing Thoughts!

And when will this ever end!?!?!?!...

I wanted to shut down this blog right after my return from Egypt, I thought it made no sense anymore to keep up updating it when I felt blocked inside. But, I guess I'll keep blogging some more, that way it will remind me of all the stuff I've done through these 3 years of blogging.

So I turned 28 yesterday, and for the first time in my life I feel I have achieved something, of course not economically because I still don't have a grave to die in but emotionally I think I'm doing puurrrfect.

At least, I feel the pressure off my chest and now I'm rearranging my thoughts now that I have closed the circle, strange thing, although I went through some though moments when I was in Egypt I don't regret spending the time and the money, on the contrary I feel it was a good investment for my well being. Do I feel angry? Yes, very much, I guess is better to feel anger than to feel sorrow, still, anger is bad for the health so I must work on this to get it over with, besides, Egypt guy is not worth it.

Putting into balance my relationship of almost 5 years with Ali although he hasn't been the greatest man in the world and sure he doesn't want to go further with the relationship I think it hasn't been so bad, or at least, it hasn't been as tormentous as the internet relationship I had with Egypt guy for 2 years before I decided he should take a hike.

Even after I came back two weeks ago, I just heard from Egypt guy, but he wasn't happy, I had taken a picture of me and Ali a few days before and I post it on my display on the messenger, Egypt guy saw it and just blew up like an atomic bomb. Did he at least said happy birthday to me? Of course he didn't but I don't care anymore.

Why am I still keeping in touch with this man after all he did? Well it's quite simple, I have entered a game, just to see where this will all end, he hasn't blocked me and I'm just waiting for that moment to come, or maybe he wants me to block him but that will never happen, I must see where this thing between me and him ends. Probably with a big fight, probably with a truce; from my end I would like to end it with a nice friendship, afterall, still he keeps a special place in my heart that no one will ever replace.

One thing I realized and I'm really impressed with what I found. I missed Ali so much while he was away, when I knew he wasn't coming the day he said he would (he messed up the arrival dates) I felt completely broken and I really thought he wasn't going to come back and I had no way to reach any of his family members to check if he was alright because I didn't hear from him for 3 weeks, I was worried sick and I had no other choice but to wait. Finally he came back, and I cried.

WTF why did I have to cry when Ali came back if I don't love him, and why didn't I cry when I left Egypt guy, the man "I love".

Does this mean I love the man I think I don't love?

I guess only time will tell.

So, what are the achievements since May 29 2006 to May 29 2007?

1 - I traveled more than I thought I could

2 - I did a liposuction and lost 2 dress sizes (sweet dream come true)

3 - I developed a gift I thought I would never have

4 - I went to Egypt to find the truth about my feelings, myself, and to open my eyes and to realize not all that I see, is what I think I want.

5 -And most important I realized my happiness was inside of me all the time and not hundreds of thousands of miles away.

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

The Circle is Closed after 7 years!

Oh dear...

I didn't post anything since march, my mind was totally blank because of the travel arrangements to finally get to meet the man I fell in love with over the intetnet 7 years ago.

The day finally came on May 5th. what can I say? Instead of coming back with questions closed I came back with more questions than I ever imagined, but I guess that's a natural thing though.

I can't say anything bad about him, but from my side I did the best I could to make it seem like a fairy tail but imagination is such a bitch with me that when I saw the real thing it wasn't what I was all.

We talked, a few, his cellular phone wouldn't stop ringing all day long so the quality time to get to know each other better in 6 days wasn't there, plus we would argue about things I quite don't remember anymore so there were lots of silent moments aswell, then his mother gets sick for a few days and I had to be alone, in a country I don't know so we didn't have time for almost anything but touring around for 3 days here and there, it was nice while it lasted.

This could only happen to me!

While Egypt guy's mother was sick (let's pretend she really did) I was so damn nervous, so damn scared when he dropped me over to the hotel and he was going to leave me alone without knowing if he was ever going to come back that I turned sick with diarrhea the whole day, hell I lost 7 lbs. so it was totally worth the sickness. But I wasted a whole days locked in a hotel room and doing nothing but to worry, nice thing he's mobile phone was available the whole time so we could keep in touch right?


The last time I heard from him he called me at 2 am asking how I was doing, this was on a friday.

Later in the morning I was feeling much better from my run runs so I decided to go down stairs and look around the beautiful hotel I was staying at and I saw this jewelry store and there was this cute old man showing me some stuff I really liked, I think he saw the look on my face when I told him I was waiting for friend to pick me up in the afternoon that he told me not to wait for him and better to see around beautiful Egypt because it was going to be hard to come back, and he was right, why would I be stuck in a hotel room waiting for a person to take me around when I am a grown woman and I have a damn brain that I can use and a whole new country to discover, Hell yeah! I said and went directly to the lobby to ask for a taxi to tour me around.

So I called Egypt guy and told him I was going out, I heard he was happy that I was going to have a distraction, and so I asked him if he was going to be able to pick me up before 6 pm and he said yes, and so off I went to my journey around the city of Cairo.

I came back around 5:30 pm and when I wanted to call him to double check if he was coming.... his cellular phone that never stops ringing all day long suddenly was out of service OH MY FUCKING GOD I thought, he dumped me!!!!.

I called him several times and phone was still off, probably more than a couple of hours I tried and it was still off, I had to call my parents to let them know if they wanted to call him to talk to me they should not worry because I was going to be in the hotel and Egypt guy's phone was temporarely out of service. Of course my dad never buys any stories without wearing his Sherlock Holmes hat and investigating the cause of such evil acts so the list of a thousand questions appeared, we spoke over an hour and my father still wouldn't buy my story, but I didn't even knew what was going.

So now knowing I was on my own for the rest of my trip I decided to make it worth while, so I booked a nice candlelight dinner at the nile river with 3 shows on board which was beauuutiful and the staff at the cruise were splendid, more knowing I was the only person without a partner, all of the waiters pampered me like a baby and I felt like a queen. It was a two hour cruise so I came back to the hotel by 12:30 am and I was so tired and stuffed of food, but still I tried to call the man just to check if his mobile was on again, and....nope, still no signs of life from the man. So I went back to bed, knowing that I had to get up early the next day for my next trip, I was going to Alexandria to spend the whole day there, the place was sooo beautiful, the sea was so green and gorgeous and the ruins and tumbs were amazing, I went around so many places with my tour guide I was beaten up.


On my way to Alexandria which is a 3 hour drive from Cairo we stopped at a resting area so drink some water, stretch our legs and go to the WC, I had to go pee so I just ran. I must say that toilets in that country and probably the entire midle east are a bit different than our regular toilets over here, they don't clean themselves with toilet paper, they use water instead, the toilet paper is only used to dry your privates, so the water comes out directly from the toilet like a squirt, I didn't know that because I was going to the WC only at the hotel so they use bidets instead of the water squirt coming out of the toilets. So when I am done peeing, I want to flush the toilet but I can't find a handle and it wasn't automatic, automatic toilets don't exist in Egypt just yet, so, looking around for the handle I see this little knob almost on the floor, so I push it with my foot but it doesn't seem to work, I thought it was stuck, so I touched it with my hands and when I realize it turns, a squirt of water comes out and I showered myself with toilet water all over my clothes, I was a soup, of course the surprise hit me and I started screaming and the women outside waiting started to laugh out loud, when I get out of the toilet, a crowd of women were outside my toilet waiting to see what had happened, and when they saw me dripping water from my clothes they just went down on the floor and laughed some more.

Going back to Cairo at night, I was catching a cold because my body started to ache, and I was feeling exhausted although I didn't do much walking so I ordered room service, and while I was laying down in bed with my fluffy hotel robe and fluffy hotel slippers the phone rang and it was him, shouting at me, and asking desperately where I was.

EXCUSE ME??? Where was I??? Where the hell were YOU!!??!??!

Ya know, switching off cellular phones while a visitor is in your city is not polite, no matter how you put it, especially when a visitor comes from another country. That's just not the way to go. At least in my country, we don't do that, we treat our visitors right.

Anyhoo, my sandwich arrived to the room and the man asked me to get dressed because he was picking me up in 5 minutes. Noooooooooooooo my sandwich!! and it looked so good, I had to leave it there waiting for me.

He picked me up, asked me again with boiling eyes where I was, we argued quite alot and I just wanted to beat the shit out of him but what could I do? just stare in blank, then he takes me to this other restaurant in the nile river and I say, oh again, I came here yesterday and had a beautiful time ALONE, ate dinner ALONE, saw this great show ALONE, the waiters treated me like a queen because I was the only person ALONE in the cruise, but still, I had a great time ALONE.

I don't know if he felt like shit or not when I said that, I hope he did because that was the whole intention of repeating the word ALONE.

Anyhoo here comes the good part....

While having dinner he says to me "I need you to give me an answer right now, tonight, are you willing to move here with me after we get married in Mexico?"(I think at that moment the fish I was eating rot in my guts because I spent a really bad time in the wc a few hours later).

I stare at the nile river, it was beautiful by the way and I wanted to say Yeeeeeeeees I will I will so cheerful but I just couldn't, instead I was being honest, said that I was afraid of so many things and that I needed to think and clear my mind, he agreed and proposed to come to my country and visit me in 4 months and if I said yes we would get married here, then I would catch him in Cairo by the end of the year. I agreed with the proposal.

I came back home, and I was so happy to be here and to be honest with you all my dear readers, I would never live in another country that is not my own, although we are full of crap over here and people are so bad and violence is picking up I wouldn't change my culture, my custom and my whole life for something that is uncertain. I never put a step forward if I am not sure of what I will be stepping on to.

And unfortunately with Egypt guy, I would go blindfolded, and I'm too scared of that, good thing he is making things easier for me though. I called him two days after i came back and he sounded happy, he said he missed me. I called him the next day and a man picks up the phone telling me he is on a meeting of some sort (weird, he never does that), next day he doesn't pick up the phone at all and just lets it ring.

Yesterday, he just turned his mobile phone off.

Thank God I'm in no hotel room anymore in an unknown country!


Happy Saturday Everyone!