Friday, March 31, 2006

what NOT to expect from those you think they might CARE!

Sheesssh...

So yes, I'm a regular human being that needs pampering when something bad happens in it's life and a little bit of comforting words wouldn't be so bad.

After we were released from the police station note that I didn't weep or try to drop a tear all that time, I'm the strong cousin dammit, the older one, the most responsible one, the one who faced the charge of driving because little cousin didn't have her drivers license up to date. So yes, I was the one being yelled at by the police when I couldn't explain exactly how the accident happened, the one asked for her papers and the one that has an accident record.

How much did I wanted to call my parents to give me support while I was waiting at the police station, my cousin did, immediately her parents showed up they were there all the time. Why didn't I call my parents and decided to tell them the next day at noon that I had an accident and needed medical attention? Because my aunt said she would visit my parents the next day to talk about the subject. I didn't want to scare them away.

You see, I have a big problem, I hate showing up my feelings to people, even if they're my family, I can be broken inside but not show a face of sorrow or pain while everybody is present, especially when my parents are present, I don't want to make them worried about me, I don't want to show dependency of anybody, I need to show them I'm strong, I can deal with anything and stand up every time.

When I came back home after the accident, I opened the door to my apartment and faced something I have never realized before. Who is there for me when I need comfort? My house felt empty, huge, lonely. I couldn't stand it anymore and many thoughts came to my mind, the first one, my parents were on vacations the week before the accident and actually they were not planning to come back until one more month, but at the last minute decided to get back home because they missed me, they were 4 houses away from mine and still I didn't want to knock on their door at 11 pm to cry on their laps and tell them for the first time in my life I felt death so near me and I was afraid. The second thought was, I really don't have anybody that loves me or that I know he will be there for me when I need him.

For the first time in my life I felt alone. I dropped myself to the sofa and began crying, I cried my soul out, the pain in my heart was deeper than the pain I had from the accident, I thought for a second to call BT (his name is Ali by the way), but then I thought what's the use? he's nothing to me, what good will it do to me if I call him? So I didn't. I took a sleeping pill and headed to sleep hoping the pain would go away.

Tuesday night when Ali appeared and saw me with the neck support asked me what had happened, I explained to him, but just as I thought he made a sarcastic comment: "oh you're whining for a little pain in your neck, just take a shower with hot water and it will go away".

Sure, he's an ass! but at least he was useful to fix me dinner and give me a back rub with no sex. Wonderful!

Still, I needed a little pampering, which did never happened of course and yes, I was still sentive as I am now and I needed to cry a little more and well tell him what I felt about the whole experience, but of course he never let me....he was too busy reading his books on the internet to care.

Anyway, that day passed, then yesterday was another day Ali came to visit, still asking me why am I wearing the neck support, now I'm thinking he either suffers from Alz Heimers disease or he just plays stupid, which ever that was, he got into my nerves, thought I was playing, then another sarcastic comment appeared: "I've had so many accidents and look I don't cry, besides it was just a little bump don't be exagerated".

That did it, I couldn't stand it more and cried infront of his face, I know he hates that from me, he has told me that several times, he doesn't like to see me crying, he gets really angry when I do. So I've always tried to not cry infront of him but this time I just couldn't help it. That sure pissed him off and made him get out of the room for a few hours, even after he came back I was still weeping; stupid me I still asked him why he was so mean to me, why wouldn't he at least hug me? I needed a damn hug is that too much to ask?

But of course I forgot I never showed him how weak I am about things, so it is really my fault, he didn't know how to act on me, he barely sees me cry whenever he does something to me I feel is rude. All I know is how to expect him to act on me whenever something bad happens, he'll just ignore it.

Note to self, I was right I didn't call him that night, I'm really glad I didn't.

Somebody will come to my life and will get to appreciate me more, at least I'll have somebody to cry with whenever I feel blue.

Happy Friday Everyone!

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