Friday, December 23, 2005
It’s 11:30 pm, and I’m sitting here waiting for you to log in; I haven’t felt good in over a week thinking of you. Last night I took out the ring you gave me 5 years ago and still feels like it was yesterday when we were happy, and still feels as if I am living in a bad dream that I can’t wake up from.
I received a call from my BF a few minutes ago that made me extremely angry, I know it is stupid but it’s really important for me to know I am doing at least something right with him, but I feel that as much as I try to please him in one way or another he is never happy.
We’re having a Christmas dinner and he arbitrarily invited his sister and his family to spend Christmas with us and as always I don’t have the courage to tell him I don’t want anything with them. Still I managed in a good way to be polite and tell him it was alright; then he calls me tonight and asks me what did I do and when I told him all I have prepared for his family he answers me in a bad way why am I doing all those meaningful things.
I know that if I told you everything I am preparing for your family you wouldn’t act that way, you would tell me “thank you baby, you are great, I can’t wait to try all those wonderful things you made with your hands” Just like you always used to say when I told you I fixed something new and I wanted so badly you would be here beside me to enjoy it together.
God how I miss you, I miss all your ways; I’m resisting so much from picking up the phone and call you and tell you how much I love you and that I would give my whole life just to be with you right now but unfortunately my destiny is not like that.
If I call you right now I will feel much worst than I already feel, my heart is aching for your sweet words.
You know, ever since we’re apart the last time I heard an I love you was 3 years ago, the last time I heard I’m your whole world was 3 years ago, the last time I heard an I need you was 3 years ago…It really hurts to not hear those words again.
I don’t know what have I done to deserve this but I am paying a good price, and every single day I pray god to forgive me for any wrong I’ve done and keep me out of this misery.
I know one day he will hear me.