Thursday, November 10, 2005

Am I wasting my Time?

Somebody please take my brain, I’m tired of thinking…

It all started Monday night when I asked BF to think about if he’s going to commit with me with a purchase of a home; he promised he would. On Tuesday night I asked him why would he not commit to me in any other way more serious than a house rent?

The answer really broke me into tiny little pieces, he said he didn’t want to be tied up with anybody and he didn’t know why he couldn’t “I love you too much but I just can’t, I need my freedom”, he said.

I tried to control myself and he even asked me if I was angry at him for telling me; seriously I was not, but I felt something, like a candle light dieing. Yesterday I woke up with a strange sensation, like when a loved one has passed away and there’s this sadness but tears won’t come out.

I got two feminist jokes by email, one about stop thinking about the loser you’re with and instead of having only one loser have 5 more for each day of the week so when one of the losers doesn’t call you a day you have a replacement. The other joke was about why being a 30 YO single woman is the best thing ever, because while all your friends got married at 23 had children at 25 and divorced at 27 you haven’t even gone through that, and although you are all alone you have reached basically all your life goals but the best comes after 30, love is the best, sex is the best, and you’ve got all the experience you need to choose the right man for you.

Although they were jokes, and very funny ones they made me think a bit of my relationship with BF. I can apply joke #2 to my real life because I have seen in my family 7 or 8 divorces in the last 2 years, of course all of them getting married at age 25 or 26, now they’re all thirty something with 3 to 4YO kids leaving them without a family.

I haven’t gone through that yet, I don’t want that for me, I’ve seen the face of failure right infront of me those 8 times already and I know is a lot more painful than what I am feeling right now.

BF has a lot of wonderful qualities, but the only problem with him is that he doesn’t want to commit; I do, I want to start a family without children and enjoy my life with the one I love and share all our life goals together. I can’t have that with BF; our life together is uncertain, I don’t like to feel uncertainty about somebody, or something that affects me, I need precision, I need straight decisions, I don’t like to see all gray I need to see a path, a pattern that will allow me to see further; but then, he already told me there’re no ties between us, I know where I am going with BF but I am the one who is now putting the blind fold because I don’t want to see what is going to happen next.

Knowing now what BF means in my life gives me other choices to look around, probably talking to him about seeing other people that will fit our needs will be good, probably applying joke #1 will be best for me. We talked about this issue once, he knows if I ever find another person who will offer me what I need I will take it without any doubt, so I think both of us have been clean about our feelings; he knows I need a husband I know he needs his freedom, we’re both together for convenience and comfort because we know each other already and I am tired of looking for the right man, his reasons for staying with me, I really don’t know.

I find the easiest way to break apart the relationship between BF and I is for me to start dating other men while we are still together; having a “replacement” will do me best. I hope he does the same.

At least I know my hopes of including BF in my life plans are not going to happen, those hopes died when BF said he didn’t want responsibilities; it hurts, it hurts too much.

Happy Thursday Everyone!

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