Wednesday, November 30, 2005

So It's Not So Broken Afterall!

Where's the Duck Tape?...

After all my dad's been saying that my mom is better off without him he decided to call mom and tell her how much he misses her by his side, or at least that's what my mother told me over the phone yesterday while my dad's version was a bit more of the contrary, like, my mom told him she misses him.

What ever!

The fact is that my father all of a sudden decided to join my mother and her happiness of being surrounded by 500 family members (that's right 500) and he's leaving tomorrow (talking about a desperate spouse), and he couldn't wait one minute longer, I think he spent his 100 free minutes talking to me trying to convince me to lend him the money for the plane ticket when I was still squeptic about him trying to socialize with all those family members, I mean 500 is not a small number you can just pass by, and that can be pretty traumatizing for a hermit such as my father, and myself by the way.

With disbelief I had to call my mother and tell her what was going on: "My father is trying to commit suicide with a moist sandwich bread here mother" - I said desperately - "Do you really, really want my father to join you on your happy vacations? Remember he's going to ruin your days for life"-To which my mother replied with a joyful voice - "Yes, yes! I want your father to be a part of this wonderful journey we can enjoy together and remember for the rest of our lives" (I swear that's what she said, she needs to stop watching too many soaps).

I can't say no to my mother; I was going to say NO to my father and tell him to stop acting like a baby and get a hold on himself and "Give me that moist sandwich bread, you're making your wrist dirty", but my mother is so sweet I just couldn't disapoint her. So my father right now must be worried sick with what clothes to take and how is he going to fit 5 changes of clothes on a small back pack for his trip near mom.

The only good thing I find in this story is that I will be completely alone for a whole week, I repeat, A WHOLE FRIGGIN WEEK!! I can hardly believe I'll be all by myself again.

Me must plan what to do while my parents are away, I have tons of books to read, tons of crap to clean, tons of time all by myself, uh, maybe I can rent Sponge bob square pants the movie, and watch all the TV I want without interruptions.

Hurrah!!!!!!

Can't he just leave like right now? Better yet, can't they just stay there like forever?!

Super Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Monday, November 28, 2005

A Broken Egg!

Ouch!...

I caught a cold on Friday, still I did some exercise on my killer new thingy that makes your legs super duper strong and all hot and sweaty I went out with my father to our usual Friday chat to a local cafe, being the winter so damn irregular when Wednesday we were at almost 90ºF, Friday was alot more chilly, around 60ºF, so you must imagine what all of that did to my organism after working out so hard.

Anyway, today I'm feeling all broken, not only because of the cold that's killing my nose and my chest. About a month ago my father called my devastated telling me how bad he felt for being with my mother the way he is, my father is not a as social as my mother is, she loves parties and gatherings with the family while my father is a pure hermith. I really don't understand till this day how was it possible two completely different people can be together for almost 30 years; then again, the saying of "The opossite atract" can apply to this odd couple.

As I was saying before, my father was feeling really bad because my mom one day revealed to him she was no longer doing what he told her to do and she would do what she pleased to do. Those words broke my dad's heart and almost crying over the phone he told me, he made a big mistake by marrying my mother after 30 years.

That broke me in pieces but I glued it all with kinder garden glue when I took both of my parents to a coffee shop and try to get them to talk to each other again with trivial talk, which worked just fine, at least that day; 3 days later my mother tells me by "coincidence she's going to visit her sister to her hometown...for 2 weeks and a half".

Wow...my mother never left my father before for so long, well, except for that time 5 years ago when I started to live my life on my own and she came to visit me to help me out move out of my brother's home, but that's another story.

That kind of surprised me, I mean, my father sounded really bad over the phone 3 days ago and now my mother tells me she's leaving to visit her sister; that didn't sound quite right, but who am I go judge them?

It's been 5 days since my mother left and today my father calls me telling me, maybe it will be better if my mother stayed there for a while longer.

W.T.F?!

Hell no! Why is he saying that? Again I can hear him by the tone of his voice he is pretty unhappy by the fact that my mother is away and having so much fun at her sister's, and I mean having lots of fun he meant she went to a birthday party were 300 of my mom's family members all gathered together and made a beautiful family party. I've never ever in my life been in such gigantic family parties; and it looks like my mom's family do that too often; she was raised between all that amount of family members so I can understand her happiness of seeing all of them together after 30 years. But it just looks like my father doesn't understand that and doesn't want to understand my mother comes from those roots where all the families join together and are always with each other for better or worst.

My father didn't grow like that, his family is all filled with hatred and racism and more hatred, they never were a united family, worst, neither of them ever wanted to help one another when one of the family members were in need. So he doesn't understand why is family so important.

As my mother had to choose between my father and his family and she decided to go with the hermits, me aswell as my brother were raised with the same family values as my father, which were, "No families are there to for anything but to cause pain, and family members are good for nothing", I can now understand why I am such a social freak, a grouch and a don't like to be around people but, this issue is not about me, it's about my father.

I had a small arguement with him while we were on the phone this morning and he was determined that my mother should stay where her family is and he should stay here, alone.

Was he trying to work into my mind so I could feel pitty for him? Because it's not working, I am sure he wants my mother to come back and wants to do it through me, telling me all of this crap so I can call my mother and tell her my father is feeling depressed because she left him for a party.

Pleezeeee, tho whom is he talking to? One of his own!!! That means, if he wants to die alone, let him die alone I am not going to interfere with his suicidal thoughts anyway.

Pffffff!!

This bitters me a bit, but it bitters me more that my boss is seeing my dieing here from this miserable cold and he is not telling me to go home...Well screw him, I'm passing my bird flu to everyone in this crappy joint anyway!

Happy Monday Everyone!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Friday Quickie!

3 things today…

3 things I am going to rant about, but just a bit.

#1 I hate it when I say I am taking a day or two of vacations my boss makes it as if the company is going to fall down if he doesn’t have anybody to give him his stupid reports.

Note to self: Need to work on tolerance for this old man or I’ll end up with bladder cancer.

#2 I sooo much hate it when people ask me where I am going if I am taking a day or two.

Note to self: Think of a better answer next time so those people think twice when they want to know about my private life.

#3 This is a note to self: Must avoid listening to others showing off their love to their partners on the phone: “No you hang up, no you, ah come on hang up, my boss is calling me, you hang up…ok I love you…now hang up, no, you hang up…”

Or…

“Take care ok? I’m coming over to fix you a yummy dinner, ok? I love you so much, take care, yes, I love you, ok? Bye bye, I love yoooouuuuuu, ok, bye….bye….hehe….ok I love you more, now bye, byyeeeeeeeeeee….”

One more of those and I’m going to pull my hair off in 10 seconds.

Happy Unhappy Friday Everyone!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Who Wants Some Christmas Turkey!

weeeeee...

I must apologize my mind doesn't have more space to be as imaginative and creative as before, my troubles keep disturbing me and the only reason why I'm keeping this blog is for journal purposes only.

-------------------------
I'm taking tomorrow and part of friday off because I can't believe myself I still want things to work out fine between the guy I used to call BF and I, we'll see how it goes.

So two weeks ago I asked my boss thursday for vacation, he was ok with it so he didn't say more than good luck on your trip; this morning I thought it would be a good idea to stay home on friday and work the rest of the afternoon, and I guess I did wrong, I mean boss was in an ok mood when I went to his office to give him his daily reports but as soon as I told him I wanted part of friday off too, his face turned red, that wasn't a good sign at all, and it didn't end up good either but I'm still taking part of friday morning off, tee hee!

While I was shopping on my day off with mom now that she left for 2 weeks to her hometown, I realized the christmas spirit in every shopping mall was earlier than years before, and it was kind of disturbing, thinking about christmas has never been pleasant and this year is not going to be the exception; so far we went to three different stores that day and all of them had christmas carols in the background music, after 10 minutes I wanted to shoot the DJ that thought it was a good idea to play christmas music when Thanksgiving is not even here yet.

How ridiculously desperate can the businesses be to almost force the customers to think about early christmas shopping? I think by the time christmas is around the corner people will be sick of those christmas carols, and santa clauses and christmas trees and elves and pine tree smells. Although I end up with great deals like a 5 items for 25 bucks. wow!

Oh man, just thinking about christmas makes me want to throw up. Fortunately my family is not either religious or with any kind of holiday spirits, so we are all planning to remain in our homes, probably not watching TV or listening to the radio because we know we'll find the same movies TV networks pass every christmas.

Can't they be a little bit more creative?

Anyhow.

Today I am going to a cultura center and see some Anime that one of my friends is organizing every week, finally after 2 years I'll be able to go see what is all about, although I have my doubts I can tolerate those 14 year old kids. God help me!

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Single’s Club!

Yeah I kick ass…

Two days ago I received an email from a very, very old friend of mine from our high school years (10 years ago), he was my first love and I think I was his first love too, of course we never got to be in a relationship because everything was going so slow, it was boring, after the years we spoke again and he said he was waiting for me to give him a sign so he could ask me to be his girlfriend, and I told him I was the one waiting for his sign so I could say yes. That’s how innocent I was back then.

Anyhoo, this guy now is a successful Industrial Engineer working for a very important automotive manufacturing company and also working for the best university in Mexico. This guy I remember him in high school as one of the smartest in class, the eloquent kind, the poet and the well mannered; everybody thought was gay except me and his closest friends; he was detailed about his clothing, his hair style and he always smelled good, actually he was the only one wearing cologne at out class; a complete charm and a true gentleman.

So as I was saying, I received an email from him saying he was moving to another city with a great job offer and that he got married a few weeks ago. I was in terrible shock, although I remember him as a very good friend it is hard to believe he was first than me; then I remember his last words before I moved back to the North and he stayed in the south where he is right now: “ I wished I could find a woman like you to marry”.

Ouch!

Well I hope he did, who ever the woman was I hope she appreciates what she has with her because he really is a jewel, too bad things between us never got to be more than a friendship and I feel happy for his success. Though he’s not the first one of the group of revels that got married, a few other of my classroom also formed a family a few years back, so now we are just a couple of single people remaining from that time. But just because of the fact that he was my first love it feels…weird.

In the letter also he invites me to meet his wife (oh hell no please!) and then the words that dropped me: “I hope you meet my wife and probably when you do you we will already have one or two kids of our own”.

Gaaahh!

No thanks, I rather kill myself before seeing him being happily married and I am still single, pathetic and with this denigrating job…haha!

I don’t doubt one of these days I’ll see him, but it will feel so awkward to see him all as a grown up successful married man.

Oh gee

The good thing is, I’m still young, I still enjoy my freedom, I don’t have to give any counts to anybody and best of all, I don’t have children to look after.

Aahhh the single life! I loves it, loves it, loves it!!!!

Happy Thursday Everyone!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Wednesday Hump!

Aahhhh headache….

Went to a company dinner last night; I was not in the mood to go, I was depressed and wanted to sleep to forget my depression, but I had to, it was a company yearly dinner for our department. So to keep my mind away from the world I drank 3 sangrias straight one after another, man, did they hit me hard; I didn’t eat anything since breakfast at 9 am so when dinner time came at 7 with 2 sangrias on an empty stomach I was ready to screw the guy on the next table.

Fortunately there was no guy on the next table otherwise I would have made a bad impression infront of the general manager. Anyway, I was out of there by 8 pm and I was drunk but able to drive back home, but I was inhibited and it was good for me to confront BF.

I came home and he hugged me asking me if I missed him, as usual I said NO, his smile was erased from his face as always, then I looked at him in the eyes and asked him.

Me: Do you love me?

BF: what do you think?

Me: I don’t care what I think just answer me, do you love me?

BF: Of course I love you, I love you too much, why do you say that, are you drunk?

Me: Well I think you don’t love me, I think you appreciate me that’s all

BF: OMG you’re drunk

Me: If you loved me you would make me happy; you would give me what I need!

BF: I told you already I can’t

Me: I know that, so don’t tell me you love me, you don’t know what love is anyway

BF: Of course I do, and I think you and I are meant to be

Me: Well I don’t think the same, you have your goals and I have mine, mine are to make me a family, I need my family and you can’t give it to me!

BF: I know I can’t, what do you want me to do for you so you can be happy?

Me: I already told you what I want, you can’t and you don’t want to give it to me, so I need to start looking somewhere else.

BF: Are you kicking me out of the house?

Me: I don’t want to kick you out of the house, I love you and it hurts me but you are giving me no other choice.

After that everything is a blur, I think I fell asleep from the commotion, the next thing I remember is I woke up crying, I had a horrible dream, I dreamt BF was cheating on me with the girl next door and I was yelling at him and hitting him and making a big scene infront of everybody; the alarm buzzed and I see BF’s side of the bed is empty, so I thought the dream was true, I didn’t want to get out of bed, I wanted to sleep more and never wake up, but I needed to pee so I had to go to the bathroom, and there he was, shaving and getting ready to go to work, he said good morning to me and I was still shaking from the bad dream I woke up from, he took me in his arms and whispered to me “why don’t you wish me a good morning my baby?”, and I replied “I’m still sleepy and my head hurts”.

And then I realized the effects of alcohol were fading away and with that my courage from last night; I was back to my old self again.

Crap!

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

3 Stages of a GF/BF relationship!

WTF was he smoking?…

BF and I are now in a new stage, the stage where the relationship is little by little dissolving, in 3 days more we’ll be 4 years together, I know we will make it to 4, but I barely think we will make it to 5.

I have no courage to break up with him, it was so hard for me to break up my past relationship that I feel the strength is not here yet to do it again, I can’t, I want to but I can’t and it makes me very angry; I rather wait till everything is broken and find one day he’s not coming back to visit me as he always does and we forget about each other as if he or I never existed, that I am hoping.

For the past week, since BF told me he doesn’t want to commit with me I have been very hard on him, dry, he noticed and has asked me several times what is wrong with me, as always I say nothing’s wrong, everything is good, what could possibly be wrong?

Alanna is right, I’ve thought about it several times, the best quality BF has is that he’s always honest to me and to himself and has always told me what is in his mind without thinking if what he will tell me will ever hurt me, I thanked him for being honest with me, and that to find in a man is difficult.

Saturday night BF asked me if I missed him, and I told him that I didn’t. He looked at me straight in the eyes, as if he was looking for something, as if I am hiding something from him, as if I am lying to him for telling him I didn’t miss him, but it was the truth; he stepped back…

BF: Why didn’t you miss me?

Me: Tell me why should I miss you?

BF: Really you don’t?

Me: I don’t miss you, but I like it when you come visit me

BF: What do you mean by that?

Me: It means when you’re here I’m happy and also when you’re not here.

It also means, that while he’s there I’ll be the happiest woman alive and when he’s not there with me I will also be happy, because I am enjoying my life as a single woman. I hope he did get the point when I said that.

So he gave me a speech about 80% of Mexican women have their replacements in case the guy dumps her she will not be alone at all because there are people in line waiting for the BF position and crap.

And then he came up with this 3 stages of a GF/BF relationship theory which consisted on the following:

Stage 1: You have a friends, at work, at school, anywhere you know, you go out in crowds for lunch, or a movie but it’s only friendship

Stage 2: You date the girl or guy and it’s almost like a commitment of dating together but still you are allowed to date other people of the opposite sex.

Stage 3: The relationship involves sex, dating, and a more serious relationship which you are no longer allowed in a stage 2 relationship because there is sex involved.

Is like everything -BF said- like psychology and physics say with this formula that is used all around the world to understand the basics of a relationship. I = v/R.

By then I blocked all my senses and began thinking of my next trip to Acapulco, so I really don’t remember what he told me about the universally used formula for relationships.

This same theory was passed to my mother on Sunday while we were cooking lunch, then my mother came out with this weird thought.

Mom: I spoke to God last night

Me: really? What did he tell you?

Mom: He told me BF is not for you

Me: Really...

Mom: Yes, he also told me the one will come for you in a short period of time, but you should not worry

Me: I’m not worried

Mom: He will come and propose marriage to you; he will give you a good life and also a house

Me: Wow, the whole package

Mom: He will be a very good man, if you think BF is a good man, this next one will be much better man than BF is, and you will be so in love with him.

Me: Of course I will, otherwise I wouldn’t marry him would I?

I felt as if mom was talking to a 5YO girl about santa claus and the presents and the tooth fairy.

Either she tried to cheer me up with everything or my face really looks bad and mom is trying to make me feel happy.

Anyway, I’m having what they’re having, as long as it makes me think and see stuff.

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Am I wasting my Time?

Somebody please take my brain, I’m tired of thinking…

It all started Monday night when I asked BF to think about if he’s going to commit with me with a purchase of a home; he promised he would. On Tuesday night I asked him why would he not commit to me in any other way more serious than a house rent?

The answer really broke me into tiny little pieces, he said he didn’t want to be tied up with anybody and he didn’t know why he couldn’t “I love you too much but I just can’t, I need my freedom”, he said.

I tried to control myself and he even asked me if I was angry at him for telling me; seriously I was not, but I felt something, like a candle light dieing. Yesterday I woke up with a strange sensation, like when a loved one has passed away and there’s this sadness but tears won’t come out.

I got two feminist jokes by email, one about stop thinking about the loser you’re with and instead of having only one loser have 5 more for each day of the week so when one of the losers doesn’t call you a day you have a replacement. The other joke was about why being a 30 YO single woman is the best thing ever, because while all your friends got married at 23 had children at 25 and divorced at 27 you haven’t even gone through that, and although you are all alone you have reached basically all your life goals but the best comes after 30, love is the best, sex is the best, and you’ve got all the experience you need to choose the right man for you.

Although they were jokes, and very funny ones they made me think a bit of my relationship with BF. I can apply joke #2 to my real life because I have seen in my family 7 or 8 divorces in the last 2 years, of course all of them getting married at age 25 or 26, now they’re all thirty something with 3 to 4YO kids leaving them without a family.

I haven’t gone through that yet, I don’t want that for me, I’ve seen the face of failure right infront of me those 8 times already and I know is a lot more painful than what I am feeling right now.

BF has a lot of wonderful qualities, but the only problem with him is that he doesn’t want to commit; I do, I want to start a family without children and enjoy my life with the one I love and share all our life goals together. I can’t have that with BF; our life together is uncertain, I don’t like to feel uncertainty about somebody, or something that affects me, I need precision, I need straight decisions, I don’t like to see all gray I need to see a path, a pattern that will allow me to see further; but then, he already told me there’re no ties between us, I know where I am going with BF but I am the one who is now putting the blind fold because I don’t want to see what is going to happen next.

Knowing now what BF means in my life gives me other choices to look around, probably talking to him about seeing other people that will fit our needs will be good, probably applying joke #1 will be best for me. We talked about this issue once, he knows if I ever find another person who will offer me what I need I will take it without any doubt, so I think both of us have been clean about our feelings; he knows I need a husband I know he needs his freedom, we’re both together for convenience and comfort because we know each other already and I am tired of looking for the right man, his reasons for staying with me, I really don’t know.

I find the easiest way to break apart the relationship between BF and I is for me to start dating other men while we are still together; having a “replacement” will do me best. I hope he does the same.

At least I know my hopes of including BF in my life plans are not going to happen, those hopes died when BF said he didn’t want responsibilities; it hurts, it hurts too much.

Happy Thursday Everyone!

Monday, November 07, 2005

A New Stage!

Hates it, hates it, hates it…

It’s been more difficult to keep up with this blog as my time schedules are being tighter each day. Still I need to focus on it because I want to read it after the years go by and see how many insanities I have wrote and if my English has improved or gotten worst, so I should at least create me a time schedule somewhere between my visits to the restroom or while I eat to at least update my own journal, I need ME time dammit!

Even though BF moved out of the house on April and that means I no longer have to cook for another person and do the amount of laundry I used to clean and maintain the house cleaner for 2 people, I don’t know how I found a way to keep my schedule busier than when BF was around, and I really don’t think the gym is the reason why.

Anyhow, getting tired of being on the computer over 10 hours a day makes it more difficult for me to go home, turn on the computer and start working on it for a couple of more hours, I am not that much of an computer lover either to make the sacrifice. Plus I rather spend some good time away from it, watching the Discovery channel or how the National Geographic spends all their money creating an imaginary new life form in another planet. Also, because I do believe the computer is making my eye sight worst than it was a couple of years before and my ass is someone growing wider.

Definitely don’t want that to happen, my hips are wide enough to fit a towing truck.

Anyway, back to the subject; I have found a newer way to spend the extra time I had for toilet visiting and sleeping, and that is buying a house, a house that is actually the egg shell because is not yet finished (it also has the size of an egg shell), well it is finished but not like I would have liked to be finished; It has a huge ground, for that tiny little house that was built, so I am planning to make a complete house makeover that will really make the house bigger and wider, that means, I will have to destroy the actually structure of the house to create a newer one.

I want to believe is piece of cake and I really don’t want to know in what mess I am getting into, but I am sure that I will get greener and greener, probably even I’ll go into liver transplant or go into vesicle stone surgery from all the pressure. But we’ll see how it goes.

Yesterday I had a very interesting conversation with my mother, believe it or not it is more peaceful to speak to my mother than to speak with my father when it should be the other way around. Anyway, my mother gave me some very good advice on how to follow my own feelings about this new step I am going to make, it will be one of the biggest steps I will make in my life and I don’t want to screw it; I am not the kind of person who puts a foot in the front without knowing what’s going to happen. I am blind here and it really creeps the hell out of me, I don’t want to make a mistake with this, but then how will I know?

Today I have an appointment with the credit advisor for this house I am thinking of and if I go to that appointment I will be charged with 100 bucks, if I am not going to buy this house anyway why should I go? Before I can go to this appointment I should be clear of what I want to do, and really I am not yet sure.

I will have to call up and cancel this appointment so I can have my thoughts straight. Rebuilding a house does not make me happy, I would have to pay rent while I am fixing this current house and that will make it worst for my economy.

Dammit I want my mango tree land!!

Happy Monday Everyone!

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

A Wednesday Super Mega Hump!!!!

Duh Yoli Duh....

I did the most stupid thing I have ever done in my entire life, I lost my debit card. There is only one good thing about this whole issue, and is that I can still take money out directly from the cashier register at the banks, of course with my original contract and my official ID.

Now the bad thing is that I have to wait 2 whole weeks to get my replacement because stupid me I asked the bank to send me my new card to my house, and the process to do it takes all that time, now if I were explained before that asking the replacement to deliver to my house would take more time than if I asked to send it to a bank would take 2 days at most I would have done the second choice.

Secondly I am never home and when my new plastic arrives I am the one who needs to be there to sign the delivery document; I work, I am never home!!!! I thought they were just going to drop it on my mailbox but no, they have to get my signature in place to leave me my plastic.

DUH!

Now I called costumer service to ask them if I could change the delivery address to a bank instead of my home and now the lazy ass telephone guy told me he can’t do that, once I request my plastic in one way they can’t change it back.

This really sounds stupid! Now I have to call back again and speak to another costumer service lazy ass like the one before and ask him or her the same question and see what this new person answers me and I will do so like that 3 more times and see which of those 5 answers match, because I didn’t know, those lazy asses telephone people are so damn lazy they just come up with stupid answers.

I remember one time when I used to have a credit card (thank god it’s cancelled) I had to change my address, so I called the costumer service line to request a change of address, and the girl on the line told me she couldn’t change my address until I had 1 year with the credit card.

What?!

So I ask the woman with the most stupid voice I could find “So this means that I can run away from you guys and you will not find me ever again because you are telling me I can’t change my address before 1 year of having this credit card? Are you sure of what you are telling me girl? Do you understand what mistake you’re making by not taking my change of address? I can not pay you ever again”

Well of course the girl was upset because I offended her intelligence.

Duh!

Stupid people!!

Anyhow, I feel stupid too, now I’ll have to wait 2 weeks so I can get my new plastic back and in the mean while I’ll have to pay everything with cash, (that sucks!) or I’ll have to keep calling until I find a sane person who will take my plead and will accept to change my request to get that card delivered to a bank near my company.

Pff!

Happy Wednesday Everyone!