Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Dammit I can't!


Like I said yesterday I am about this close to break up with BF, he's giving me too much crap I can barely take no more.

Since last week we scheduled a doctor's appointment for him to check on his improvement with the treatment and as always ( he does with me because he doesn't do it with anybody else of course) he was LATE!

I knew this would happen so I was furious since earlier in the morning and the pain in the stomach got worse while driving home because I just knew it; so I picked up the phone and called his cell, he was on his way, the appointment was at 6:30 pm and it was already 6:15 and we had to drive for 20 minutes to get to the doctor; I had to put my sorry ass to the doctor for being late but pleaded to wait for us 5 minutes longer, fortunately the doc is not an ogor so he said he would wait for us only for 5 minutes and no more, BF was his last patient for the day.

Anyway, there was no time for hellos and we headed over to the doctor, there, I did the last humane thing for a him while having his wee wee electrocuted, I held his hand and covered his head.

On the way out I had the words ready to be released from my mouth to tell him that was the last thing I do to him and he could just get his ass out of my house, but I couldn't, before I could say anything to him he held my hand back and thanked me for being with him and being so kind to him.

What in hell is he playing with me now? He's not suppose to be sweet right now, I am angry dammit I should finish you up and turn you into crap and make you feel sorry for being such a neglective BF, that's the damn plan and I should stick to it. My friend didn't gave me a good advise just to listen to you thanking me for being supportive. Shut up dammit, shut the fuck up!

While we were eating at a restaurant I had my eyes straight at his face, forcing myself to tell him right there I no longer want to be with him; he looks back at me and asks me why am I looking at him so angry.

Give me 10 good reasons why I should not leave you because I have 10 very good reasons why I should right now.

He left his fork on the side and gave me a bizzare look; why am I saying that you're asking me?

For a start you don't treat me as your girlfriend and you're confusing me with something you think is easy for you to treat; second you are very disconsiderate and only think about yourself; third you really do not care about me as a person, fourth I am not important to you in your life; fifth all you care is for your own benefits and the benefits of your family; sixth you don't appreciate all the things I do for you; seventh you are a very irresponsible boyfriend; eighth you have no idea what a love relationship is; ninth you're afraid of any kind of commitment especially a commitment with me, and tenth you neglect me...I want to kill you!!!

Don't laugh at me, why are you laughing? This isn't funny! You stop this right now!

At that point I had released my anger with a piece of chicken while saying all those things in my head and not being able to express it directly to his face made me want to vomit, although I did mention him 5 of the 10 reasons I had when he started laughin and gave me 5 stupid reasons of his own to dump me also which went something like this:

Counting with his greasy fingers
1. don't give me massage sometimes when I ask you
2. You don't...(grabs a lemon) give me lemon water
3. You don't give me sunflower seeds, I need sunflower seeds when I'm watching TV
4. (grabs the lemon again) don't give me lemon....water
5. I...want to eat some fruit, let's get some.

So I am using my own psychology to understand why he doesn't take my rages seriously, is it either because he doesn't pay attention to the big issues that are increasing by time, or is it that I am not making myself clear of the situation. If that is the case then I know why I am not making myself clear and finish it once and for all, and is because I am afraid of being alone. But what if I am making all this into a huge mountain of dirt when it is really something as little as a layer of dust? But then, why am I so angry that he doesn't treat me like I say he should?

What am I doing wrong and why is everybody telling me to break up with him and I can't do it? Dammit I just can't leave him so easily. As many defects he has, he has so many good things that cannot be compared with anyone else and putting all of it in balance makes it so difficult for me to do something so easy.

I need that strength again (like I had 4 years ago with the X) to terminate this and go ahead on search for something better.

I'll sure be thinking of it this long weekend.

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

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