How much is waiting too much?
When I heard the words “Stomach Cancer” is was as if someone hit me so hard on my head, the words kept pounding inside me like two big metals hitting each other. It was an unbearable pain. Tears were running from my eyes, I couldn’t speak, I forgot where I was, it was like a black hole that sucked me in, I couldn’t hear anything else but his words “I have Stomach Cancer”.
We both cried over the phone for a long time, and we kept our promise that what ever happened we would be with and for each other, and it meant we needed to meet as soon as possible no matter what. We were very optimistic of his visa approval, actually it was another opportunity so he could seek help for his illness in the US, maybe something that was not yet developed in his country but that it would be already under testing in the States. 4 days later the World Trade Center was destroyed, along with that, every chance I could ever have to meet him. We spoke about the possibilities of not getting a green light to visit the States because of that incident, still we rose hopes and he kept his word to go give it a try; I could do nothing else but to give him cheers of hope. When September 26 came, we were very nervous, he called me early at 3 am to tell me he was on his way to the embassy and get his visa; “I am finally going to see you my love”. As expected, he was declined; actually he got a red stamp with a huge VOID until 2006, which meant he would not request any visas until 5 years later. That meant nothing but wait some more.
His stomach was getting worst as days went by, he had to go under surgery after a few weeks which consisted on cutting two thirds of his stomach and part of his intestines and they were trying to save his spleen that was twice as large his normal size. He went into a coma for 10 days, in those days I didn’t know anything about him, but I received emails from his brother letting me know all the details about his health. After a month he was able to go back home and finally we met again to talk. He then told me he was having financial problems, the hospital would not discharge him because his bank account was empty and had nothing under his name, as expected, his current wife took every cent of his money while he was in a coma and she transferred to her bank account. With very little to do and no money left. The chances of ever meeting were disappearing little by little; I couldn’t do anything because I had no money at the time either, my salary was just enough for me to survive with nothing else to save, he was my only hope and he was in the same situation as I was.
Depression started to take over; more months passed and still there were no signs of ever meeting, it was March 2002 and I hit rock bottom, I had enough of waiting; we began having problems basically starting from me, from any little thing I would get angry at him, blaming him because I was not able to live my life as I wanted because I had to wait for him, wait for him for how long? I decided to end the relationship at that time once and for all. On May 2002 I told him I could not stand it anymore and I needed a break and so it was the very last time I spoke to him.
I needed to forget about him and everything that we had either if it was real or not; I was very depressed, I started dating and had plenty of one night stands, and the last one night stand I had was with BF, he was the only one that stood by my side, since the first moment I stayed with him he never let me go, it was as if he wanted to know me, like he knew that I needed to hold on to someone, and so I did.
BF and I have had our ups and downs, the relationship between us as you know is rare, still as much as I tried to forget the past I can’t. Every day since I ended my Internet relationship I had the word carved in my mind “What if”.
What if I waited a little longer? What if he’s the right man for me and I’m letting him go? What if I can’t forget about him ever? What if I am the one that needs to be there now? What if I just leave everything I go search for him? Maybe I will find the truth.
It’s been three years now and still the man who lives in the other side of the world is living inside my heart and my love for him is still the same, if not stronger.
I am just asking God before I die to give me the chance to meet him and tell him how much I love him.
Happy Tuesday Everyone!