Monday, February 28, 2005

Why Am I Here?

I need an answer…

A few things happened last week that reminded me my life is not for granted (a big car accident 5 minutes after I passed the main road on my way home that killed 10 people and injured many children; my father talking how he was so close to death from a wrongly diagnosed peritonitis 3 years ago, my half broken relationship with my current boyfriend) and that anything can happen to it if I don’t pay attention to my surroundings physically and emotionally; I should take care of my life and myself by when my time to go comes I can give my life back being sure I made good use of it.

I’ve been precautious with my own life by not trusting anybody and those who have been “privileged” to be trusted by me have failed to me in one way or the other, so I learned I should not trust anybody, even myself but I should only trust one, Him.

I learned at a young age I cannot have what I want, and I must accept what life gives me and be grateful and happy with it although most of the times I don’t accept what life has offered me.

I never thought I could feel fear of what will happen to me in the future and at this very moment I am frightened I might end up needing physical or mental help when I get old enough to not be able to take care of myself anymore.

That’s when I feel horrified and that’s when I feel I am against nature, against life, against society itself, the putrid society we’re living in.

As much as I try to get away from what disgusts me I can’t, life, nature, humanity must socialize, without it we’re nothing. It rages me to know I am not the master of my life, I can’t control my life and I can’t make my life to be as I need it to be; my lack of trust doesn’t help me, it harms me, it harms me to the point I don’t trust Him; I know I should, but it frightens me what He has for me at this very moment.

Many times I’ve thought I am not worth to keep here, I should disappear from this place I don’t belong, what is my life here worthy of? Why does He have me here? If it is to teach others what I know and what my powers are then I am not helping because I feel nobody is worthy of my knowledge, a knowledge the most people think is useless and difficult to follow, just like I feel myself right now, useless and difficult to follow.
But I tried, I tried many times with a negative response; what am I doing wrong?

I should learn to trust, but I can’t, and it’s something I must improve, I must Trust Him before is too late.

But like I said to someone, at least I’m not that psycho, sure I’m a germophobic but I haven’t get to the point of recruiting myself in my house and never get out of there unless I have a bucket of Lysol on the side, though I am not that far from doing it, or I haven’t slept with ear plugs because I’m afraid a roach or a bug might find my ear comfortable enough to live in it and I still have hope that someday I will be happy of being in this place where He sent me to do my job right. I will do, I promise.

Happy Sunny Monday Everyone!

4 comments:

Steph said...

Hm, having a reflective Monday, are you? It's good to stop and examine things every once in a while. Just as long as it doesn't get you down too much :)

boo said...

Hey bunny... why the hell... is anyone here?... some fun... some laughs... some tears... a whole heap of sex... some food... and love... 24 7....

Wendy said...

I don't know what I could say except that you're a better person than it sounds like you give yourself credit for. Trust is tough, especially when you've already had negative experiences, because to me it takes patience to build and it's hard to wait for that. Hugs to you Yoli girl...I hope it gets better.

Yoli said...

Steph,
How can't I be reflective? More after I heard it could have been me the one under the big truck in that car accident. whoah!

boo,
Alright, I'll love me, I'll eat me, I'll laugh at me and...well...I'll do me too...LOL

Wendy,
Alrgiht, I'll accept your hugs, I just hope you don't have dust mites all over you :P